Here on Earth

38th.

While for some, this January is somewhat dreadful with all what’s happening, this month is another expression of God’s grace and faithfulness to me – blessed to be 38.

I thank and praise the Lord that amidst all the chaos, I can find comfort and hope in His words. I am thankful that my Lord is always faithful and loving, and that He is in control.

For everything that I am, was, and will be, I praise you Lord Jesus – the Alpha and the Omega.

Thank you for this another year. 😘

Here on Earth

Last Saturday of 2019.

Suddenly I was afraid. Fearful for this year to end.

I didn’t intend to sit down and make a careful assessment of how 2019 was to me, but some things that happened made me do so.

As much as I refused to acknowledge it, this year is a year of brokenness, of goodbyes, of closures, of letting go, as much as this is a year of healing and daily renewals.

I realized how much goodbyes there has been for this year. People walked away from me. I lost them, they lost me. I chose to ignore the heartbreaks it brought me. I chose to recognize how God is working in my life, and that He is in control. But suddenly, I was made to realize, that while amidst the brokenness there is God, the brokenness shouldn’t be ignored.

I have to look at it straight on the eye, and find strength and learning from all the cracks, from all the shattered pieces of my heart. God is with me, it’s a fact, but I must acknowledge pain and rise from it.

There were goodbyes and closures in death, in moving to another chapter, in leaving, in being forgotten. This year was filled with healing, with restorations, heartbreaks and failures.

This was the year that I had fall outs. I had been to crossroads. I had been to different places in my life.

2019 has been a year that’s brimming with challenges and unexplained situations. So, I cannot help but wonder, will 2020 be the year of breakthrough for me?

I trust that God is preparing me for something bigger and bolder for 2020. I am excited and scared at the same time. I shouldn’t be. But 2019 is barely closing, who knows about all the surprises this is yet to offer me before the new year strikes.

In Stillness

Remind me. Let me.

Let me run to You, Lord, 
And find rest in You
My head is in a blur
My mind is running faster than my words
I tried to stretch my time
I thought I did, 
But I know I can't.
I tried to put You aside
But doing so only made everything unmanageable
I want to make time for You
But everything else want my full attention, too

Remind me, Oh Lord
that doing Your will is far greater than
All the plans that I've made

Remind me, Oh Lord
that yielding to You is the best way
to manage everything

Remind me, Oh Lord
that doing nothing but enjoying the stillness
with You is the best way to
spend my time

Remind me of my true identity,
of who I am, of who I am made for
of what my true mission is
Of how I have already died of myself

Remind me to see Your love
Remind me to remember how You died for me
Remind me to be grateful of Your faithfulness
Remind me that apart from You I can do nothing

Make me the servant that You want me to be
Make me the friend that You will bring in Your Home
Make me the disciple that I am meant to be
Make me the holy, blameless child the I am 
because of You

Let me run to You, Lord
Only to You,
Let me remember that You are enough
Let me cherish Your love,
Your faithfulness
Your forgiveness
The freedom that I have

In You, Lord
I am loved
I am a child of God. 

Here on Earth

Those Two Years.

This is not about love.

It has been more than a year, but my mind would still go back to those days and nights whenever an opportunity to recall certain memories arise.

Who can blame me? Why blame me, when I am just trying to state a fact, to recall a part of my history, which fortunately, or unfortunately, includes someone I shouldn’t be remembering.

I wonder if I gush whenever I talk about some stories, which include our silly talks, and I hope other people does not notice it. Does my eyes sparkle whenever I talk about him? The mere mention of that person makes my heart flutter, I wonder if my effort to act like he doesn’t matter is working or failing.

It’s silly, I know.

Another part of “our” story, just shut its door. And a part of me was broken when I heard about the news. I tried to bid goodbye to it, and to our memories, wondering what will happen to all of those? I can imagine all the “ghosts” of those memories flying around, maybe searching for a place to stay. I hope the memories will reach to whom it should belong. Will it reach that person? It’s the kind of “ghost” that I would want to haunt him in his dreams. Creepy I know. But those are happy ghosts.

I am not so sure why I am talking about this, why did I even assigned a spot for this thoughts here in my blog. I am not sure why, but just like remembering some part of my history, this brings me joy.

Yes, the thought sparks joy.

Here on Earth

It’s Not Always About the Drama.

When people choose to call your pain as drama, or your struggles as sign of unbelief, would you still speak up? When your old demons are trying to resurrect themselves back in your life is it normal?

This morning, I almost snap.

I almost lost it. It’s been days, or maybe weeks, and I chose to face it alone. I tried to silence the words, drown it with the noise of the world, hid it behind God’s promise. Most of the time I succeed, but like an enemy that never gives up, it keeps on crawling back, little by little, lies by lies, pain by pain. And today, the enemy almost shouted “Victory!”

The morning didn’t start well, I was so tired, I woke up extra late. I was disoriented. I forgot what to do first, what to do next. I forgot to eat my breakfast right after my bath.

I was slicing some tofu, as tears roll on my cheeks. I don’t know why because I have a lot of things going in my head. Everything was flashing in head, the noise is killing me.

I prayed. Don’t tell me I should, because God knows how many prayers I have said during that ordeal. But as I say my words, the enemy is trying to tell me things, too. Don’t tell me I have weak faith. Please don’t, I was on my strongest that time.

Brief episodes by episodes, until I was leaning on a pile of clothes that I started crying too hard. I was calling on the Lord, then I can almost hear nothing. I started seeing and feeling things. I remember looking around with wide eyes, frantic, crying to God, as part of my brain is telling me to kill myself. Yes, I heard it speak to me.

Then, I ran pick up quickly my bible, crying loudly to Jesus. Speaking His name repeatedly, calling, saying it, calling it. I cried out to the Holy Spirit, and pleaded not to leave me. I was so scared. I opened my bible and I landed on the pages of John 14, and 15.

There as I scan the page, I saw Jesus’ words popping out for me. His words, His reminders.

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit, apart from me you can do nothing.”

“I am the way, and the truth, and the life.”

“If you love me, keep my commands”

“Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching”

Then, every noise died.

Jesus enveloped me with so much peace, and comfort.

I was so scared. Really scared when I heard words in my head. I can talk about it now, because God gave me strength to do so. I am putting it here to remind myself how God saved me, once again.

I don’t think I could ever talk about this to anyone, maybe people would read this, but I don’t think I could ever seriously speak out. We always choose to shrug off our pain. Our fear. For fear of being judged, of being told that we don’t have enough faith. Of being told that we’re just doing some life drama. It always feels like that for other people, but for someone who’s into such ordeal, life is not going anywhere.

I am not sure if this is an onset to depression. I always feel like I have it, but I choose to deny it. But after I went through this morning, I am afraid I am sensitive to it, that like the others, I can be prone to it.

Each day I am on a lookout, for anything that might trigger unnecessary emotions. I am on a lookout to make sure I am sane enough to remember to call unto the Lord.

There’s too much in my head. In my heart. There’s too much that needs to be dealt with. There’s too much that needs to be vanquished.

But I know, nothing is too much for the Lord.

Here on Earth

Until All Stones Are Turned.

Today is one of those days again that I know no matter how much I pray, it’ll be unanswered. Not because God is playing deaf on me, but I know He put me through this because I have to.  Once you follow Christ, you understand that everything that you have to go through is part of the process. Nothing is coincidental. Nothing is wasted. You will get out of the situation alive, but changed.

I’ve been praying for a new job. Not because I want to move up my career, but because I am just tired of being here. What used to be a fulfilling and fun job with a relaxed but determined working atmosphere suddenly changed. Slowly, I can see its ugly head soaring above my office desk, with people trying to bite you to keep themselves alive. Everyone were friends, until we started to work for a living. I am suddenly tired, and I want to get out. So, I am praying for a new job, or maybe a new career, but I know God will not give it to me. Not now.

When I started feeling the ugly face of pride lurking behind me, whispering dirty truths in my head, I know something is wrong. I know God will not take me out here until I can deal with this enemy. He will not let me leave this place until I am sure with myself that I have killed it in my heart. Pride, if it’s still with me, wherever I go will haunt me, will ruin even the best things for me.

God will not let me leave until I stopped thinking that I deserve better. Until I stopped putting my pride on my job, until I can fully rest my happiness on Him. Until I learned to accept that this day job is a means to earn a living, and this is not my life. Until I stopped hating people for their desire to succeed. Until I stopped judging people’s effort against mine, I am not getting anywhere.

This is a tough process for me. Wearing this pride on my sleeves, indeed gives a certain kind of satisfaction. I feel bad for finding happiness in being catty, in rolling my eyes, in hating people, in snapping back. It gives satisfaction to my pride, to my personal earthly pride, but what about my pride in God? Am I living a life that’s still pleasing to Him? I am not. And I don’t know what to do now.

For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.

Romans 12:3

Maybe I need to spend more time with God, make sure that I have surrendered everything to Him. I know it’s time that I surrender even my job, my career, the things that I want to do. I need to step down again on my throne, and watch Him take over my life and see how He can turn everything alright.

I will not see the “exit” from here, until my heart is ready for a new beginning.

I need you now, my Lord. Remind me who I am, remind me again that my life on earth is just temporary, that my treasures are not here on earth where moths and vermin can destroy it. Oh, Lord, help me to step down from my high throne, help me to fall down, to break and see how high you can lift me up. I am tired, and I can no longer hold myself up. Lord, make me worthy to call you “Lord”, help me break free from this bondage of pride. Give me a heart that forgives, a heart that gives, that reaches out, that helps. Help me to be like you.