“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
Here I am at 11:35 p.m., searching my heart, my mind, repeatedly asking God, “Lord, what am I supposed to feel? How should a brokenhearted Christian should feel?”
Finally, I saw the proof. The proof that would put all my doubts and hopes to the trash bin. My eyes diverted somewhere. And I held my insides tight, my muscles and brain focus in walking, making sure I would not quiver. That I would not break down. I did not.
“Lord, what’s this feeling? Is this how it is when you are holding my heart, making sure it won’t crack?” I was asking this question, trying to understand the comforting pain I was experiencing.
Thinking about what happened, I know I am shattered; I could use an empty space in a corner, sit in a fetal position until forever. But I can feel God’s love holding me up. I feel His comforting arms hugging me tight, making sure I won’t fall. I feel His gentle hands, holding my delicate heart, healing it every time it cracks. I know I am broken, but He is not letting me fall apart.
I still heard myself laugh nonchalantly, cracked a few jokes in between serious talks, threw some playful gestures and expressions. I was supposed to be crumbling inside and outside, but why am I not feeling it?
I am not so used in this kind of hopeful pain. I am not used in finding comfort in the most absurd situation. I am not used in not breaking down when my heart breaks. It’s been so long when I had my heart broken because of someone. And I barely remember what pain is, since I surrender my life to Christ and Him erasing all the heartbreaks, filling the void with His everlasting love.
This pain, it suddenly feels strangely familiar to me.
I tried to pause and remind myself what I just saw, what it should mean to me, what I should be feeling. I should be breaking down now, bawling, asking God why it has to happen to me. Why again? Why this time?
Yes, I tried asking Him, but a comforting assurance filled my heart. It gave me comfort, it tells me that there’s no need to cry. There’s no need to wallow in pain. There’s no need to feel miserable. There’s a hope that says I may be feeling broken now, but I am not alone. God is with me, and He has a better plan for me.
This is part of His plan.
I remember praying this morning, asking Him to reveal Himself to me, again. I want to encounter Him again, to remind me to find delight in His presence, in pain, in sorrow, in loneliness. And surprise, He just put me in this. I didn’t expect this, but He thinks I need this. I decided to wholeheartedly accept this test. And I know I will get through this.
Yeah, I guess this is how God wanted me to feel a heartbreak. Maybe this is how it’s strangely delightful to be broken while inside Jesus Christ comforting embrace. Maybe this is how it feels to be looking forward for a new beginning, because He just gave me an ending to something I find hard to let go.
I can sleep in comfort tonight, and for the first time, after a heartbreak, I could assure you that no tears will fall on my pillows.
“Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. ” – James 1:2-4
My God is an awesome God. He is the King of kings. He heals my broken heart.