In Stillness

As Love Knocks on my Door.

“Do you love God?’

– yesterday’s church service

“I have loved you,” says the Lord – Malachi 1:1

-another’s church podcast 

“We love, because He first loved us” – 1 John 4:19

– today’s bible reading

What are the chances that I will encounter the topic of LOVE thrice in two days?

It must be God telling me not to fear love. Not to hold back in loving. Not to doubt if I can love. Not to worry about loving the right way.  God is love, He loves me, and I can love Him back too. But what’s seems to be stopping me?

“Do you love God?’

– yesterday’s church service

I feel ashamed of myself, of my lack of passion to love Him. How come if I love someone I can follow their advice no matter if they can see me or not? But when it comes to Him, even if I know He can see me, He can read through my mind, and He can see my future, I still choose to disobey? I can spend my entire day just going through old text messages, tracking someone’s life, or even just thinking about that person, but when it comes to God, it seems like everything has to have conditions? Everything I do seems to be after a reward? Why am I making my God a secondary priority in my life that I vowed to be a living sacrifice for Him?

As I was trying to contemplate about this thing called Love, about my seemingly doubt on God’s love for me, and my capacity to love back, something came up again.

Monday. An old sin called me back again. I chose to disobey. Yes. This time I think, I cannot go on saying it’s the enemy who lure me, because I know I can turn away from that sin, yet I choose to obey my own worldly will. I cried and felt so stupid, so helpless, I can feel the enemy dancing in the background, rejoicing in my failure to obey God. I am starting to think again – I am a helpless sinner, even if God loves me, I don’t think He can give me another chance. How many chances should I keep on asking Him? Five? Fifty? A hundred? A thousand? Did God set any threshold on this?

It says in Hebrew 10:26-27:

If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God.

I was so scared, I don’t think I could ever start over again. Can God still forgive me? Can He still love me? Can I still claim myself “a child of God?” When will my sinning stop? Will He still listen to my prayers? Will He still protect me? Am I still worthy to call for Him?

I am just tired of my helpless struggle.

And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted he will also provide a way so you can endure.

1 Corinthians 10:13

I am weak. I am stupid for not trusting the Lord to help me out of that temptation. I was wrong for not calling onto Him, clinging on His promises. I will forever be helpless if I fight this battle alone, in Him and through the Holy Spirit I can only win.

Maybe I don’t really love God, because if I do I wouldn’t be battling with this sin anymore, because my love for Him could have prevailed.

“I have loved you,” says the Lord – Malachi 1:1

-another’s church podcast 

No other man could love me like Jesus. I don’t think any man would be willing to die for me, let alone suffer for me. Jesus did endure all the hardships to save me from death, from hell. Jesus died for me, thousands and thousands years ago before I was even conceived.

Yes, I know He loves me, how could I have doubted that. He brought me here because He loves me. I am facing this test because He loves me. He loved me. He loves me. He always will.

“We love, because He first loved us” – 1 John 4:19

– today’s bible reading

Oh, Lord, teach my heart to love like yours. What must I give to have a heart like yours, with outpouring love and compassion for others. Why can’t I even love you back properly? Why does it seems so hard me for me? You showed me what true love is, but my heart can’t seem to understand how to duplicate it. I want your love be duplicated, be multiplied through my life. But I am a sinner, and I don’t know how to love.

Here I am again, pleaded to God for forgiveness. I am not sure if He already did accept my plead, but I trust His love for me is enduring. I recommitted myself to Him and hopefully, during the process I will be forever free from this bondage of sin.

 

I just finished reading 1 John 5:13-15:

I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God so that you may know that you have eternal life. This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears is – whatever we ask – we know that we have what we asked for.

 

I thank God for this comforting words, for reassuring me that I can be His child again.

And as a gentle reminder:

We know that anyone born of God does not continue to sin; the One who was born of God keeps them safe, and the evil one cannot harm them. – 1 John 5:18

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“Lord, free me from this bondage of sin, break the strongholds of the enemy in my life. My life is yours, use it for you glory. I am claiming victory against the enemy. I am freed from sin, you have set me free and I will not let sin take over my life again. Lord, I helpless alone. I am nothing withoutyou.”

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