Today is one of those days again that I know no matter how much I pray, it’ll be unanswered. Not because God is playing deaf on me, but I know He put me through this because I have to. Once you follow Christ, you understand that everything that you have to go through is part of the process. Nothing is coincidental. Nothing is wasted. You will get out of the situation alive, but changed.
I’ve been praying for a new job. Not because I want to move up my career, but because I am just tired of being here. What used to be a fulfilling and fun job with a relaxed but determined working atmosphere suddenly changed. Slowly, I can see its ugly head soaring above my office desk, with people trying to bite you to keep themselves alive. Everyone were friends, until we started to work for a living. I am suddenly tired, and I want to get out. So, I am praying for a new job, or maybe a new career, but I know God will not give it to me. Not now.
When I started feeling the ugly face of pride lurking behind me, whispering dirty truths in my head, I know something is wrong. I know God will not take me out here until I can deal with this enemy. He will not let me leave this place until I am sure with myself that I have killed it in my heart. Pride, if it’s still with me, wherever I go will haunt me, will ruin even the best things for me.
God will not let me leave until I stopped thinking that I deserve better. Until I stopped putting my pride on my job, until I can fully rest my happiness on Him. Until I learned to accept that this day job is a means to earn a living, and this is not my life. Until I stopped hating people for their desire to succeed. Until I stopped judging people’s effort against mine, I am not getting anywhere.
This is a tough process for me. Wearing this pride on my sleeves, indeed gives a certain kind of satisfaction. I feel bad for finding happiness in being catty, in rolling my eyes, in hating people, in snapping back. It gives satisfaction to my pride, to my personal earthly pride, but what about my pride in God? Am I living a life that’s still pleasing to Him? I am not. And I don’t know what to do now.
For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.
Maybe I need to spend more time with God, make sure that I have surrendered everything to Him. I know it’s time that I surrender even my job, my career, the things that I want to do. I need to step down again on my throne, and watch Him take over my life and see how He can turn everything alright.
I will not see the “exit” from here, until my heart is ready for a new beginning.
I need you now, my Lord. Remind me who I am, remind me again that my life on earth is just temporary, that my treasures are not here on earth where moths and vermin can destroy it. Oh, Lord, help me to step down from my high throne, help me to fall down, to break and see how high you can lift me up. I am tired, and I can no longer hold myself up. Lord, make me worthy to call you “Lord”, help me break free from this bondage of pride. Give me a heart that forgives, a heart that gives, that reaches out, that helps. Help me to be like you.