When people choose to call your pain as drama, or your struggles as sign of unbelief, would you still speak up? When your old demons are trying to resurrect themselves back in your life is it normal?
This morning, I almost snap.
I almost lost it. It’s been days, or maybe weeks, and I chose to face it alone. I tried to silence the words, drown it with the noise of the world, hid it behind God’s promise. Most of the time I succeed, but like an enemy that never gives up, it keeps on crawling back, little by little, lies by lies, pain by pain. And today, the enemy almost shouted “Victory!”
The morning didn’t start well, I was so tired, I woke up extra late. I was disoriented. I forgot what to do first, what to do next. I forgot to eat my breakfast right after my bath.
I was slicing some tofu, as tears roll on my cheeks. I don’t know why because I have a lot of things going in my head. Everything was flashing in head, the noise is killing me.
I prayed. Don’t tell me I should, because God knows how many prayers I have said during that ordeal. But as I say my words, the enemy is trying to tell me things, too. Don’t tell me I have weak faith. Please don’t, I was on my strongest that time.
Brief episodes by episodes, until I was leaning on a pile of clothes that I started crying too hard. I was calling on the Lord, then I can almost hear nothing. I started seeing and feeling things. I remember looking around with wide eyes, frantic, crying to God, as part of my brain is telling me to kill myself. Yes, I heard it speak to me.
Then, I ran pick up quickly my bible, crying loudly to Jesus. Speaking His name repeatedly, calling, saying it, calling it. I cried out to the Holy Spirit, and pleaded not to leave me. I was so scared. I opened my bible and I landed on the pages of John 14, and 15.
There as I scan the page, I saw Jesus’ words popping out for me. His words, His reminders.
“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit, apart from me you can do nothing.”
“I am the way, and the truth, and the life.”
“If you love me, keep my commands”
“Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching”
Then, every noise died.
Jesus enveloped me with so much peace, and comfort.
I was so scared. Really scared when I heard words in my head. I can talk about it now, because God gave me strength to do so. I am putting it here to remind myself how God saved me, once again.
I don’t think I could ever talk about this to anyone, maybe people would read this, but I don’t think I could ever seriously speak out. We always choose to shrug off our pain. Our fear. For fear of being judged, of being told that we don’t have enough faith. Of being told that we’re just doing some life drama. It always feels like that for other people, but for someone who’s into such ordeal, life is not going anywhere.
I am not sure if this is an onset to depression. I always feel like I have it, but I choose to deny it. But after I went through this morning, I am afraid I am sensitive to it, that like the others, I can be prone to it.
Each day I am on a lookout, for anything that might trigger unnecessary emotions. I am on a lookout to make sure I am sane enough to remember to call unto the Lord.
There’s too much in my head. In my heart. There’s too much that needs to be dealt with. There’s too much that needs to be vanquished.
But I know, nothing is too much for the Lord.