Let me run to You, Lord, And find rest in You My head is in a blur My mind is running faster than my words I tried to stretch my time I thought I did, But I know I can't. I tried to put You aside But doing so only made everything unmanageable I want to make time for You But everything else want my full attention, too Remind me, Oh Lord that doing Your will is far greater than All the plans that I've made Remind me, Oh Lord that yielding to You is the best way to manage everything Remind me, Oh Lord that doing nothing but enjoying the stillness with You is the best way to spend my time Remind me of my true identity, of who I am, of who I am made for of what my true mission is Of how I have already died of myself Remind me to see Your love Remind me to remember how You died for me Remind me to be grateful of Your faithfulness Remind me that apart from You I can do nothing Make me the servant that You want me to be Make me the friend that You will bring in Your Home Make me the disciple that I am meant to be Make me the holy, blameless child the I am because of You Let me run to You, Lord Only to You, Let me remember that You are enough Let me cherish Your love, Your faithfulness Your forgiveness The freedom that I have In You, Lord I am loved I am a child of God.
Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer.
From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
It’s the time of the year again when most of us will prepare resolutions to improve ourselves. Most of the time, admit it, I did, we failed.
Why don’t we try to do it differently this time? Let’s lift our resolutions to Christ, seek Him and lean on Him to change our ways. Christ gives daily opportunity, not just every new year, to change and experience His everlasting love.
Our efforts will be futile if we continue to rely on our own abilities to change. Christ equipped us with everything to help us change, to be confident in His arms, to have that boldness to claim His love, and be His child.
Let’s try it this 2018, with Him!
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” 2Co 5:17
“Do you love God?’
– yesterday’s church service
“I have loved you,” says the Lord – Malachi 1:1
-another’s church podcast
“We love, because He first loved us” – 1 John 4:19
– today’s bible reading
What are the chances that I will encounter the topic of LOVE thrice in two days?
It must be God telling me not to fear love. Not to hold back in loving. Not to doubt if I can love. Not to worry about loving the right way. God is love, He loves me, and I can love Him back too. But what’s seems to be stopping me?
“Do you love God?’
– yesterday’s church service
I feel ashamed of myself, of my lack of passion to love Him. How come if I love someone I can follow their advice no matter if they can see me or not? But when it comes to Him, even if I know He can see me, He can read through my mind, and He can see my future, I still choose to disobey? I can spend my entire day just going through old text messages, tracking someone’s life, or even just thinking about that person, but when it comes to God, it seems like everything has to have conditions? Everything I do seems to be after a reward? Why am I making my God a secondary priority in my life that I vowed to be a living sacrifice for Him?
As I was trying to contemplate about this thing called Love, about my seemingly doubt on God’s love for me, and my capacity to love back, something came up again.
Monday. An old sin called me back again. I chose to disobey. Yes. This time I think, I cannot go on saying it’s the enemy who lure me, because I know I can turn away from that sin, yet I choose to obey my own worldly will. I cried and felt so stupid, so helpless, I can feel the enemy dancing in the background, rejoicing in my failure to obey God. I am starting to think again – I am a helpless sinner, even if God loves me, I don’t think He can give me another chance. How many chances should I keep on asking Him? Five? Fifty? A hundred? A thousand? Did God set any threshold on this?
It says in Hebrew 10:26-27:
If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God.
I was so scared, I don’t think I could ever start over again. Can God still forgive me? Can He still love me? Can I still claim myself “a child of God?” When will my sinning stop? Will He still listen to my prayers? Will He still protect me? Am I still worthy to call for Him?
I am just tired of my helpless struggle.
And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted he will also provide a way so you can endure.
– 1 Corinthians 10:13
I am weak. I am stupid for not trusting the Lord to help me out of that temptation. I was wrong for not calling onto Him, clinging on His promises. I will forever be helpless if I fight this battle alone, in Him and through the Holy Spirit I can only win.
Maybe I don’t really love God, because if I do I wouldn’t be battling with this sin anymore, because my love for Him could have prevailed.
“I have loved you,” says the Lord – Malachi 1:1
-another’s church podcast
No other man could love me like Jesus. I don’t think any man would be willing to die for me, let alone suffer for me. Jesus did endure all the hardships to save me from death, from hell. Jesus died for me, thousands and thousands years ago before I was even conceived.
Yes, I know He loves me, how could I have doubted that. He brought me here because He loves me. I am facing this test because He loves me. He loved me. He loves me. He always will.
“We love, because He first loved us” – 1 John 4:19
– today’s bible reading
Oh, Lord, teach my heart to love like yours. What must I give to have a heart like yours, with outpouring love and compassion for others. Why can’t I even love you back properly? Why does it seems so hard me for me? You showed me what true love is, but my heart can’t seem to understand how to duplicate it. I want your love be duplicated, be multiplied through my life. But I am a sinner, and I don’t know how to love.
Here I am again, pleaded to God for forgiveness. I am not sure if He already did accept my plead, but I trust His love for me is enduring. I recommitted myself to Him and hopefully, during the process I will be forever free from this bondage of sin.
I just finished reading 1 John 5:13-15:
I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God so that you may know that you have eternal life. This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears is – whatever we ask – we know that we have what we asked for.
I thank God for this comforting words, for reassuring me that I can be His child again.
And as a gentle reminder:
We know that anyone born of God does not continue to sin; the One who was born of God keeps them safe, and the evil one cannot harm them. – 1 John 5:18
“Lord, free me from this bondage of sin, break the strongholds of the enemy in my life. My life is yours, use it for you glory. I am claiming victory against the enemy. I am freed from sin, you have set me free and I will not let sin take over my life again. Lord, I helpless alone. I am nothing withoutyou.”
I am on the process of letting go. Finger by finger, I am opening my palm to hand it over to the Lord. I cannot hand this over to anyone except to Him. In Him I am sure it’ll be well taken care of.
And while I’m going through the process, the Lord is handing over new better things for me.
He’s taking something away, because He wants me to hold something for Him.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.
After months of constant prayer, finally God sent me an answer. Two of my officemates were able to join us for a bible study session. I was able to share God’s word to the three of them.
I was in panic that morning when after confirming that they’ll be joining the session, I found out I forgot my trusty bible. What shall I do? This can’t happen now! I mean, I’ve been waiting for this chance; I cannot fail and make a wrong impression!
Fortunately, I have my old bible on my office desk, but it felt different. I am so used with my other bible, the way each pages touch my fingers, the way each verses were highlighted, I am not sure what should I do now?
But then, I was reminded. This is not about the book. This is not about the bible. This is about the Word of God. About His message. About His love. It doesn’t matter if I read the word from a dusty, torn piece of paper, or with my beautiful personal bible. It’s the Holy Spirit I should rely on, not my personal skills, not the personal comfort I find in my bible. This is about Him. This is not about my display of personal knowledge about Him, neither about my ability to speak well, or to look good in the eyes of others. This is about Jesus, His word, and His love for us.
So, I met with my officemates, and seek the Holy Spirit to lead me in sharing God’s message. And, Praise God! I was able to finish the whole chapter with even new insights. With God’s grace, they express thirst and hunger for more of His words. And we’ll be setting another schedule for them to start with their own pace. Next time, I will share the bridge Gospel to them.
Truly, when God takes away something from you, He will send you new things to take care of. Now, I am fully convinced that He called me to do these things. I am one of the blessed children who are called to help in the expansion of His kingdom.
Letting go is getting easier this time, because I know that my palms will not remain empty. For I have a lot to take care of. To hold. To lead. And to love.
Integrity is important, especially when you are a Christian. It will be hard to talk about Christ, and have people listen to you when they cannot see you living a life that follows Christ. It’s hard to say you’re a Christian when your actions do not reflect who your Father is. I guess I am not alone in this struggle.
Recently, God put me under a test. And I failed. Again. Always.
I’ve been praying to God that He’d change me. That He’d take over my temper, and make it like His. Quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger. And even if each time I find myself in a tricky situation I remember to pray to Him, the devious side of me still wins. Not because I am stronger than Him, but my refusal to listen to Him gives the devil a foothold on me.
My day was ruined because of that one SMS I received in the morning. I refused to talk to anyone at work. I refused to smile; I was difficult to deal with. I was so furious. I was hurt. And my pain gave me a reason to be mean, to be rude, and to hurt people too.
I could have listened to Him as the words echoed in my head:
“In your anger, do not sin.”
But I didn’t. The rush of emotions, those words I could just easily lash out, those give me satisfaction. I savor the bitter taste in my throat. The face of those people as they tried to be calm so as not to trigger my anger, those were too sweet to see. I let the devil take over me that day. I failed God. How will I call Him my Lord?
The next day, I still have the hangover of my fury. It was hard for me to switch back to my “old” self after what I did the other day. And in the evening, I need to rush from work to catch a meeting with my fellow Christians in our prayer meeting group. And I would admit that I was so embarrassed to even mention to anyone at work why I need to leave early. What would they say about me? That I am a hypocrite? How will I face my fellow Christians when I was so horrible a few hours before seeing them? How could I even call myself a Christian?
That week I need to meet two friends in a separate bible study session. I feel so unworthy to even speak to them and teach them about love, about the fruit of the Spirit. How could I even open my bible after having my lunch when it feels like it will burn in my fingers? It felt so unworthy to call myself a Christian, to even call God as my Father, as my Lord.
I remember when Jesus Christ chose to ignore the people who was about to stone the woman whom they found committing adultery. He chose to bend down and write on the ground with His finger. Amidst the continued questioning of people, after answering them back, he again stooped down and wrote on the ground. He is God, He could have thrown those people away, but He didn’t. He was so slow to anger.
I lost my integrity. I listened to my heart, which was deceitful (Jeremiah 17:9). I let my emotions took over my identity in Christ. But no matter how unworthy I feel to be called His Princess, I am not letting the devil win again. I am still my Father’s daughter, a princess of the King of kings.
What was hard for me in fighting in this battle was, the battlefield is within me. The battlefield is right inside my heart, my head, and right inside the comfort of my body, which was born innately a sinner. Someone who spent most of her lifetime finding happiness in getting even with people who hurt her. The battlefield is within me, and how shall I win in this? Who will emerge as the winner?
“Finally, be strong in the Lord, and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.”
How are we to win over the battle within?
My walk as I wait on Him will always include fighting a battle, not just outward, but inward, and I know I must remember to come in full battle gear, always.
“Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when they day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.” Ephesians 6: 13-17
I need to not let go of my hold on Him. I need to make sure my battle gear is intact, as I extinguish all the flaming arrows of the enemy. The battle is within me, I can always destroy the battlefield.
I know God will let me go through this test again. He’d let me fail again, until I chose to win it over with Him. I am sure to fail until I let God take over my thoughts and emotions. I will go through this again until I learn to give the proper response. Until I choose not to sin anymore. Until I learn to practice humility, share peace, extend love, exercise patience, and stick to the path of Christ.
“But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ.”
Other people’s attitude should not affect me anymore. I am no longer part of this world. Temporal things and situations should not hurt me anymore. What can I expect from the world that belongs to its god?
“Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the Father in you. For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world. And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave. But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever.”
1 John 2:15-17
It will always be hard to fight this battle within, but only God can change me. I know I need to further search within my heart to see where I am failing, to repent on unconfessed sins. To submit myself in full humility to seek His forgiveness and to let Him take control of my life.
He is my Lord, I belong to nobody else but Him.
I know You understand the pain I am going through. I know You can feel it, too. You know how much I want to break down. How much I want to run away and forget all my worries away. You know how much I need you now more than ever.
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Thank you, Lord, for sustaining me today. For giving me all the strength I need to smile, to laugh, to joke around. Thank you for filling the cracks in my heart, making sure I wouldn’t fall apart.
Thank you for this pain, for teaching me to trust and delight in you while I cannot see the path ahead. Thank you for the opportunity to see your love, to experience how it is to fully submit myself to you and wait for your works to unravel.
Thank you Lord, for loving me, for making me feel your love while I search for it in the people around me. Thank you for pulling me back to You.
Thank you for calling me, for sending me people to take care of, for helping me understand that my heart can accommodate more love for other people.
You will not let me go, I am sure of that. While the people that I learned to love will turn their back on me, you are there by my side, making sure I am not alone.
Thank you, Lord, and I know, no matter what I do I could never repay you for the love you generously gives me. And of course I know, Your love is the only love in the world that never asks for anything in return.
I find it hard to open up my palms and just let it go. But I realized, I’d never know how easy it’ll be when to let go is the only option left.
I’m letting this go, to hand it over to You.
In Your hands, nothing will be put to waste.
In Your hands, everything is well taken care of.
Thank you, Lord.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
Here I am at 11:35 p.m., searching my heart, my mind, repeatedly asking God, “Lord, what am I supposed to feel? How should a brokenhearted Christian should feel?”
Finally, I saw the proof. The proof that would put all my doubts and hopes to the trash bin. My eyes diverted somewhere. And I held my insides tight, my muscles and brain focus in walking, making sure I would not quiver. That I would not break down. I did not.
“Lord, what’s this feeling? Is this how it is when you are holding my heart, making sure it won’t crack?” I was asking this question, trying to understand the comforting pain I was experiencing.
Thinking about what happened, I know I am shattered; I could use an empty space in a corner, sit in a fetal position until forever. But I can feel God’s love holding me up. I feel His comforting arms hugging me tight, making sure I won’t fall. I feel His gentle hands, holding my delicate heart, healing it every time it cracks. I know I am broken, but He is not letting me fall apart.
I still heard myself laugh nonchalantly, cracked a few jokes in between serious talks, threw some playful gestures and expressions. I was supposed to be crumbling inside and outside, but why am I not feeling it?
I am not so used in this kind of hopeful pain. I am not used in finding comfort in the most absurd situation. I am not used in not breaking down when my heart breaks. It’s been so long when I had my heart broken because of someone. And I barely remember what pain is, since I surrender my life to Christ and Him erasing all the heartbreaks, filling the void with His everlasting love.
This pain, it suddenly feels strangely familiar to me.
I tried to pause and remind myself what I just saw, what it should mean to me, what I should be feeling. I should be breaking down now, bawling, asking God why it has to happen to me. Why again? Why this time?
Yes, I tried asking Him, but a comforting assurance filled my heart. It gave me comfort, it tells me that there’s no need to cry. There’s no need to wallow in pain. There’s no need to feel miserable. There’s a hope that says I may be feeling broken now, but I am not alone. God is with me, and He has a better plan for me.
This is part of His plan.
I remember praying this morning, asking Him to reveal Himself to me, again. I want to encounter Him again, to remind me to find delight in His presence, in pain, in sorrow, in loneliness. And surprise, He just put me in this. I didn’t expect this, but He thinks I need this. I decided to wholeheartedly accept this test. And I know I will get through this.
Yeah, I guess this is how God wanted me to feel a heartbreak. Maybe this is how it’s strangely delightful to be broken while inside Jesus Christ comforting embrace. Maybe this is how it feels to be looking forward for a new beginning, because He just gave me an ending to something I find hard to let go.
I can sleep in comfort tonight, and for the first time, after a heartbreak, I could assure you that no tears will fall on my pillows.
“Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. ” – James 1:2-4
My God is an awesome God. He is the King of kings. He heals my broken heart.